Chaotic Calm

For several years of my youth my biological younger sibling, the one I grew up with, would stand beside me and weep for those she’d lost or express sorrow where I felt it unnecessary.

“People come and go,” I would remind her, yet faithfully those tears fell, staining salty streaks over her chubby child-like features.

Her little hands would smear the wetness into large blotches instead of the neat trails they had once been soon there after, chest heaving with sobs she could not control. Eyes squeezed tight, face contorted with a pain I could barely fathom she would cry for an obvious injustice in the world that I did not – could not grasp.

To me she viewed the world through a tube, narrowing and constricting her ability to see outside reason whereas I let things role off my back because there was nothing else I could do.

I love through indifference –
Sweetness perished meaninglessly before touching my fingertips.

In all honesty there are few beings I have actually mourned. Most of which happened to catch me at a time when the bands had been pulled too far, when snapping was merely a breath away.

All one needed to do is give a slight push to send me careening off the
edge - Set me up to take the fall.

I wailed for an absent father.
I bemoaned the release of my first dog.
I shrieked about the prejudice of living.

Moreover, I mourned the loss of my adolescent fantasies.

The fairy tale relationships and living a comfortable, happy life from a young age shattered.

The fast fading wisps of lasting love teased my better judgment. In time I learned what every other realist does.

There is no such thing as forever.

Thus I say good-bye to everyone as their time comes. Fingers waving in derisive gesture of lost companionship. Attachments linger only so long when one says they have to go. Abandonment has never been a reality to me after crying for a father who would never reach out to scoop me into his arms and comfort me, after a mother who could not love a child as need be.

With an impatient sigh I would at last wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her against my side to offer the reassurance I could never allow myself.

Goodbye is simply that. Goodbye.

This was written over a year ago. July 30, 2007. Since then my thought process and such changed in some ways but not in others.

Let’s be realistic. Working at a movie theatre is not peaches and cream all the time as some people would like to believe. Take for instance you get cold popcorn, your drink is not quite up to parr, or for the millionth time you go to the theatre and spot the prices.

When there is a mistake such as that, do you rush to the counter and start yelling at the top of your lungs or are you generally a nice person about it? Now if the person serving you is a complete asshole then hell rip into ‘em. I would. But if that isn’t the case, if they are trying to help you. Why would you make their day just a little bit harder and make them a pinch closer to snapping and kicking someone else’s face in?

Do people honestly not realize that “we” as employees have absolutely no say in the price of what is in concession? Are any of the “big spenders” fussing at Baby Phat employees for having insanely priced pairs of jeans? Nooo… Because it is mostly surmised that they are mere salespeople in the play of merchandise to consumer. Don’t shoot the messenger damnit! We only work there, it is not our lives’ aspirations to be working at the movie theatre with moody ass people to service. If you believe such then… Go fuck yourselves - Please and Thank you. *Pleasant smile*

Do not demand smiles of people. We try. Damnit we do try to keep up happy appearances, but I can’t even say how often I’ve wanted to bolt over a counter cause some guy has hit me with a straw or demanded I smile. Like hell - YOU try being me and dealing with bitchy customers and see how eager you are to smile every time another one strolls up to the counter. (Yes, I am referring to the one hitting me or demanding something of me as a bitch. You enjoy that.)

DO NOT SHAKE FUCKING DRINKS OR POPCORN CONTAINERS AT ME! I will slowly turn the fuck around with clear in hand, blind you, stuff whatever you are shaking down your throat and gouge your damn eyes out. That is one of the most annoying things anyone has every done to me. Open your damn mouth and say what you want, I am NOT a dog going to run for the bag you are shaking. I have had the urge on several occassions to turn away and keep on walking as if I haven’t heard them. I know on more than one situation I have given people rather annoyed looks, if not sneers for such an action out of reflex really. I do try not to though.

Please take into consideration that you don’t want us to touch your food with hands that have been all in cleaners and the floor whenever we are cleaning. If we are doing something that involves getting our hands dirty do not throw a hissy fit about us being slow if we wash our hands. Furthermore if we direct you to another employee who can help you while we clean do not bitch and moan - Just.Do.It. Before one of us hops the counter and sticks a foot up your complaining, lazy asses.

Ahh.. ^^ Feels good to have that written out.

In other news, I am in a rather good mood right now. Over the past few days I’ve had a man in Food Lion call me “Pretty Lady” which was kind of creepy due to seeing Step Brothers and the tone the actor said “Hello Miss. Lady” was something similar to his.

The day before that though I was in the movie theater working door and a fifteen year old decides to start talking to me. Now, he was pretty harmless and it amused me that he was set on capturing my attention when I was sort of standing there, leaned against the stand at door with a sort of bored look on my face I’m sure. He spoke some of trying to sneak in to Pineapple Express. I laughed at him and shrugged, confirmed that they will probably be checking IDs if they informed him of the circumstances at box. He persisted in talking with me in between customers and I humored conversation while waiting on one of the other workers to get back. He go on the phone with his friends and told them that a “beautiful woman was guarding door”. I didn’t pay attention to him much, he seemed sort of sad about it and informed me after his friends showed up that he would talk to me later if I was still there. My time was up about twenty minutes into his movie and I left for the dorms.

*Shakes head* Amused.

Anyways, I’ve got my writing inspiration back a bit — At least for poetry. w00t! I believe that with time my desire to actually work on my stories will come.

I had a nice little moment at work. Absolutely ready to go… *Grins* I just about ripped one of the registers out in frustration and threw it over the counter… I was definitely in a mood. Then when a guy commented me– said I was beautiful I just scowled at him. He looked shocked. I glared more. I felt better when I got to the dorms though and rested up a bit. Got to finish my book…

Last night, I sniffled and little tears hung in the edges of my eyes over the grief and emotional strife of my favorite characters in the book “The Host”. I’m always a sap when it comes to getting into the characters and I’ve never felt too bad about shedding a few tears for their plight… I felt pleasant on the way to bed at least.

This morning, waking up and feeling the pain radiating from my breasts made an othersewise decent mood plummet. It brought all my other worries to mind — and my strongest fear. Ovarian cysts are common enough and had it not been for the words “One of them is complicated” I would not haven been as frightened about the situtation. Still I know from my mother’s experience that I could end up with endometriosis and — worst yet have my own colon fused to my right side or the left with my organs simply coming together with time.

It makes my worry for my own fertility even more real– her problems didn’t start until AFTER she’d birthed two children who were in high school by the time everything got to the point where they were contemplating a bag attached to her side for her colon’s waste. Does that mean my time is more limited? Questions without answers as I’ve only been to ONE appointment to identify the cysts themselves.

I crave the life of that little girl and boy intensly, I don’t want to lose them now… Just thinking about it leaves my throat tight and makes my eyes burn. Today was just a heavy reminder…

I think I haven’t written a blog in a minute so yeah, this is my update on things. Let’s go through work first- Shall we? Hm… I’ve noticed that a lot of the people who come to the theatre -stink-. They smell of cigarettes and hot salami and the scent is just utterly unattractive. Another guy decided he wanted to try information gathering while I was working. *Wrinkles nose* He kept leaning into the counter, smelling all hot and nasty. The guy asked everything from my age, what I was going to school for to what my boyfriend is going to school for and how long we’d been together. *Shakes head* Didn’t bother me much to answer the questions, if he made a suggestion I would have just stared at him and turned him down flat either way. He spoke a bit with me about what he does for a living. Funny thing is I couldn’t hear much of what he said anyway, which could have been part of the reason I wasn’t agitated by him. He even asked if I was going to marry Ross… and I answered the question. Ahmused.

Before him was another guy who called me beautiful as he walked away and then looked back a couple times. *Shrugs* Ah well. It was entertaining to say the least. Noooow… away from work. “Home life”. W00t! Lessee… There hasn’t been much stress at the dorms. I think I am sleeping every possible chance I get. If someone calls while I am napping. Chances are I won’t be picking up the phone to answer. *Grins some* Sorry! I know, I know. People calling wanting to talk to me but all I really want to do is snuggle with my pillows… Unless of course, Ross calls me… Then I’m rolling out of bed. ^^ (You know, I love ya Kam Kam. LOL. But you know how we are about that nap time.) Talked to Jadae on Monday (there was a lot of ranting and jealousy), since then my mother has been MIA, surprisingly. No calls or anything. Oh well, I figure I should enjoy it now– just in case. (I’ve got to remember to get my papers from my grandma’s house: passport, credit card, etc. The cruise is sure not to happen with my mother possibly being laid off, stepdad jobless, AND times being hard with them, etc. I am tempted to just pay off the bill and cancel the card, cut it up and be done with it.)

Though my stepdad did text and I talked to him yesterday — he wants me to make him this extremely busy logo that he is talking about putting on papers and such. It is WAY too busy to be reduced to 1-1.5 inches in size to be placed on a paper for a logo. That and he was like “Did your mother talk to you about the logo?” Noooooope. No talk from her. It was amusing really. I doubt I’ll do it. I’m not in the mood to work on a logo and I have too much on my plate right now. Classes — I am so getting a “B” on this project, if he is being nice (hopefully, he will be. lol). I’ll do better NEXT project… Hopefully it isn’t… ehm… anything remotely related to something this dull… I was not into this project in the least bit, but at least with the way things are scheduled the time seems to go past quite quickly.

We have a test today~. I am pretty sure I’ll do well on it. ^^ I need to check up on a couple definitions to make sure I’m straight with a couple things, but I should be all good. I’m in class now and I finished my gas station project a bit early. I’m done with this blog and I’ll post a new one when I get the urge to, something a bit less flighty in content.

Ciao~Eqlipse

I feel…

Depressed isn’t the right word… I’m not in a slump of emotion that I can’t seem to fish myself out of. I’m physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted but not to the point where I want to shun human contact and hole myself up somewhere to reflect and debate about the series of events going on at this point in my life. Depression would be easy I think. Depression would be simple, it’d be tangible - recognizable. Yes, I’m definitely not depressed.

I’d like to be agitated but I’m not even mad. The surge of rage that had been bubbling in my chest is gone and left in its wake is nothing– It’s empty really and I don’t know what to think. I am seriously contemplating my escape. If I should take the diploma and just skip out, leave the state to get back on my feet and find out what I want in life now. To be honest, I feel that THIS is that wrong turn. Maybe I should have fought harder with them about roommate placement. Perhaps I should have got a switch out of the room immediately and by this time their wrath would be long settled.

Sad — I suppose that is at the fringes of my mind, pulling at the frayed strands and annoying the hell out of me, but that’s not it entirely. Yesterday, I was hurt. Not only because I thought everything was cool with us from Monday to Thursday - obviously not when just before a nap I get a call to be bitched at after talking to my sister BRIEFLY. Monday there was laughs and whatnot until she got to a certain point in class and then stopped. Tuesday there was the chasing, cold hands, etc. Wednesday I wasn’t even there for the most part — checking my schedule, going to get a $25 gift card, and sleeping for the most part. Mhm… Thursday she moves out and I’M getting bitched at about it. Apparently she was supposed to pen her mouth and say something to us, did.not.happen. I wonder why the hell I’m getting the guff for this when I ask and I’m obviously being told one thing while everyone else in my family is being told another completely different story.

I wonder if she thinks that will make it better between us. Getting everyone pissed at me only makes it even more clear that I need to separate myself from her to avoid further stressful situations. Sounds logical to me, ne? If I’m not dealing with her and everyone else in that manner than I won’t feel so negatively. Mhm… If I’m not talking to them and arguing there is not reason to feel bitter and irate at every turn. It’s been OLD for a long time and whenever discussions happen it means nothing because nothing is done in the long run. It’s all talk.

I’m not motivated to talk to her right now. I just want to be away from it all and talking to her would just make me feel more agitated I think because her isolating herself has turned into a “You abandoned her” bullshit and if I hear her deny it I’m going to lose my cool completely. I was going to invite her to go to dinner, hot wings at Wing Stop, but I honestly don’t want to anymore.

Oh well… Perhaps what I am feeling is indifference for now. A kind of mocking indifference, where I can’t feel a thing.

I think I’ll nap today. I’m sleepy.